PSP Satire Boy Version: Welcome to Iwatodai?
by J. Harken
Summary: COMPANION TO P3P SATIRE GIRL VERSION. Ever wonder what would happen if the main characters were foul-mouthed, arrogant gits? Well, wonder no more. Welcome to the inexcusable. Rated M for heavy language. Read and see the side of Minato we've always wanted to see!
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I do not own the Persona Series!**

**A/N: **Hey guys! Just as a fair warning, this story has a lot of vulgarity and plain offensive material. I'm really not like this, but I thought it would be hilarious to see the main character of P3P be a complete prick. **There's also a P3P Satire Girl Version, **so if you're into this one, please check it out! My friend and I have joint ideas and influence on the different stories, and we thought it would be really funny to bring them to the Persona fan fiction world! So please enjoy and read and review, good or bad! :)

- _J. Boven_

* * *

**Welcome to Iwatodai?**

**o1.**

Tonight, there's a full moon. Why the fuck is it so big? Shouldn't there be a tsunami? I wish. Those goddamn Japanese people are getting on my nerves. Oh, shit. I'm in Japan.

As I listen to the train conductor, all I want to do is tell him to shut his fucking trap. I don't want to hear about any of his shit. Find a therapist. Finally, when I'm looking for a gun to blow my brains out, he stops the train. Thank God.

As I trudge through the sludge-filled streets, all I can see are coffins lining the road. Fucking Japanese people and their trends. And I thought New York had small apartments.

When I reach the dorm, I open the door to find a boy. "Welcome," he says in his breathy, thin voice. _I shall call you Pussy Boy_, I thought to myself. Yes, that suits him.

"You're late. I've been waiting a long time."

"Fuck you, okay? I had to walk here. What the fuck are you wearing? Did you just get out of prison or something? Back off, bitch."

"If you want to proceed, then please sign here. It's a contract," he said, fucking ignoring my previous comments. He handed me a blank sheet of paper.

"I'm not signing anything until I see a goddamn adult."

"There's no need to be scared." Who the hell is this?

"Um, of course there is. You sound like you're going to rape me," I blurted. _A bit too sharp_, I thought to myself. I decided to write something at the top of the page to appease him.

"...Very well. Time is something no one can escape-" he started.

"Shut the fuck up before I send you back to Neverland, you little bitch." The boy looked at me, shocked. "That's right, get the fuck out."

"It was nice meeting you," he looked at the sheet of paper that I signed, "...'Suck My Dick?'"

With that, I snickered, and he was off.

"Who's there?" a voice called out from the darkness.

"Richard Banger!" I called out, suppressing a giggle, "but my friends call me 'Dick.'"

"How can you be... but it's...! Don't tell me..."

"Do you know how to fucking speak in full sentences? What the fuck is wrong with you? Aren't you supposed to be in high school?" As my eyes adjust, I see a scantily-dressed young woman. "Hey, baby. How much?"

Her face changes to shock. "What? Who do you think I am?"

I reach my hand up to slap the dumbass when I realize that she's holding a gun.

"Wait!" another voice calls out from a distance. _Finally, _I thought, _someone with some fucking sense. This dumb bitch was going to shoot me and rip my dick off._

The first girl gasped. "You sound like you're in a fucking porno. Shut your damn mouth."

"I didn't think you would arrive so late," said the next girl. Her red hair glistened in the light. _Do you think we're fucking stupid? You got that shit from a bottle, bitch. Nobody has that hair except Ariel. _She was pretty, though. Probably worth a couple hundred for a "full service" massage. The thought got me excited before I realized she was staring at me.

"The fuck you looking at? Do you think I can control the fucking subway?"

"...My name is Mitsuru Kirijo. I'm one of the students who live in this dorm."

"What the fuck is this? The Spice Girls Part 2? Where are all the adults, and why are you dressed like fucking prostitutes? It's after midnight and you can't even cover your asses with clothes. Yeah, that's right. I saw your thongs." I snapped. "And where is the fuck is this music coming from? It sounds like shit!"

"Who's he?" the uglier bitch asked.

"Who the fuck do you think it is, Tom Cruise? I'm the fucking transfer student!"

"He's the transfer student. It was a last minute decision to assign him here," Ariel said.

"I JUST FUCKING TOLD YOU THAT!"

"He'll eventually be moved to a room in the normal dorm," Ariel continued.

"Does that mean I'll never have to see you dumb bitches again? HALLELUJAH!"

"...Is it okay for him to be here?"

"Okay, fuck you, alright? I'm not going to rape you at night. I don't want to fucking repopulate the world with your dumbass children. You're enough."

"I guess we'll see," she finished.

"What the fuck is that supposed to mean, you pussy bitch?"

"This is Yukari Takeba."

"I DON'T FUCKING CARE WHO THIS BITCH IS!"

"She'll be a junior this spring, just like you."

_Yeah, right. They only fucking passed her through grade school to get rid of her._

"Hi, I'm Yukari."

"Are you retarded? Ariel here just said that! You really are fucking dull, aren't you? If you can manage to answer this question... isn't this a normal dorm?"

"Uhh..." Yukari stuttered. _I fucking knew it. This bitch couldn't even answer the simplest of questions._

"It's a co-ed dorm," began Einstein over there. I didn't listen to the rest of what the bitch said. "It's getting late. You'll find your room on the second floor."

"Get to fucking bed, you bitches. Your brains can use all the goddamn help they can get."

"Your things should already be there. I suggest you tuck in for the night."

"I'm not a fucking child, you whore. What are you two doing out this late? Both of you getting ready to head out to your street corners?"

"Oh... I'll show you the way. Follow me." _This brunette bitch was going to show me where she fucks strangers at night for cash. Why the fuck would I want to see her corner?_

Instead of leading me outside, she brought me to my room. The sight of the halls almost made me puke. This place looked like shit. Who the fuck designed this, preschoolers? And where THE FUCK were all the adults?

"This is it." I almost forgot Yukari was there. Fuck. It had been such sweet silence without her voice. "Pretty easy to remember, huh? ...Since it's right at the end of the hall."

"No shit."

"So, any questions?" she asked, but I could tell she didn't want to talk to me. I didn't care.

"Does Pussy Boy live here?"

"What are you talking about? ...C'mon, it's not funny." _This bitch is really not letting up with being a dumbass, _I thought. _She really is clueless._

"Um... can I ask you something?"

"Yes, your ass does look big in that skirt."

"On your way here from the station, was everything okay?"

"Yeah, everything was fine until I met you dumb bitches."

"Never mind."

"That's what I thought."

"It seems like you're alright," Yukari said. I could tell she wanted my dick.

"Are you fucking retarded? I've been calling you names since I arrived."

"Well, I'd better get going." _Please, God, just get out of here. _"Um..." _Oh shit, I knew I wasn't out of the woods just yet. _"I'm sure you still have other questions, but let's save them for later, okay?"

This bitch really was stupid. I was _obviously _not going to ask her any more questions (not that she was smart enough to answer them anyway), and now she was speaking first person plural.

"Good night," she said, and I could hear her hooker boots walking away.

I entered my room, and I nearly pissed my pants. The fucking jazz music was even louder. How the fuck could I sleep with this shit on? I looked for a window to jump out of, but when I tried to open it, I noticed it was locked. _Of course. They've had too many fucking suicides already. _I glanced at my computer. _A fucking Windows 95 Dell? Is this a joke?_

I decided that my only option was to sleep. Three hours, and all I could hear was the music blaring over the goddamn loudspeakers.

_WHERE THE HELL IS THAT MUSIC COMING FROM?_

* * *

I hope you all liked it! If you do, **please check out P3P Satire Girl Version. **Yet again, let me know how I'm doing, and I hope you all have an awesome day!


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: Persona belongs to Atlus.**

**A/N: Rated M for crude language and sexual content.**

* * *

_**o2.**_

Even all of my pillows piled over my ears could not fight the relentless sound of that weird jazz music. When I finally started to drift into a peaceful slumber, I was awoken by a pounding on the door to my room, followed by a nasaly, ear-piercing voice that sounded like nails on a chalkboard. Yukari.

"Dick Banger, are you awake?" _She really believed that shit? How thick can she possibly be? _I decided not to answer the door in hopes that she would go away. This was, of course, to no avail.

"Dick! Dick! Dick!" she repeatedly yelled, the knocking increasing in volume as time went by.

"WHAT?!" I screamed, whipping the door open in her face. With that creepy grin plastered across her face, Yukari looked like a mental patient. _Probably is_, I noted to myself.

"Mitsuru-senpai asked me to show you the way to school. Are you ready?"

Is this bitch being serious? "No. Get the fuck out of my room. I don't want to be seen in public with you, and I can find my own way, thank you very much. And why the fuck are you calling her 'senpai?' She's only a year older than us." I thought for a second, realizing that Ariel was probably much older than Yukari in mental years, though. I looked back up at Yukari and saw her twirling her hair, her eyes empty of any thought.

"Are you sure? You don't want to be late for your first day of school."

At this point, I realized that Yukari and her pea-sized brain couldn't find her own way to school. I gave in, knowing she would probably get lost in the wilderness somewhere if I didn't go with her. _Great. I'm the chauffeur for the retard, _I thought.

Just as we were about to leave, I looked at Yukari. Her skirt was so short that I could almost see her vagina. She wasn't wearing underwear. I saw something else - a string.

"Is that a fucking tampon?" I yelled. She turned toward me, and I reached under her skirt and yanked it out. Just as I thought, Niagra Falls started gushing out of her pussy, leaving a puddle of blood in the middle of the hallway. Yukari looked at me with panic.

"Hey, Takeba, is that the new transfer stu-OH MY GOD!" A silver-haired young man stepped out of the room diagonal to mine, and his eyes moved from the waterfall of blood coming from Yukari's vagina and the tampon in my hand.

"Takeba, did you wake up Minato yet?" Ariel asked as she descended from the third floor. Her eyes met mine as she took in the scene in front of her. She gasped.

The silver-haired man looked at me, then Mitsuru, and back again. A grin crept across his face as he reached over to Mitsuru and yanked from below her skirt. What came back was a tampon covered in shit.

"WHAT THE FUCK?!" I yelled, realizing that Mitsuru had stuck the tampon up her ass.

"What? I have diarrhea. I don't want it to leak all over the chairs in class," Ariel replied.

This place really was fucked up. Right then, I decided to leave, the silver-haired man following beside me. I think I could grow to like this guy. On our chat to the station, I learned that his name was Akihiko, and he lived in the dorm with us. He also got laid twice a night with both Mitsuru and Yukari. All of the sudden, in the middle of our train ride to school, I heard prissy bitch behind me.

"This is my favorite part of the ride. It feels like we're gliding over the water."

"Oh, really? Why don't you go try it? I'm sure you can jump out one of the windows."

"Dick! Hey! I've tried. They lock the windows," Yukari said. _This bitch really needs a reality check. She must be "special."_

"Are you fucking kidding me? How did you manage to catch up to us without cleani-oh," I stopped, realizing that Yukari hadn't stopped to wipe up the period blood that drenched her legs and skirt.

On our way into school, Akihiko managed to escape being seen with Yukari. _Shit._ Everybody was talking about her.

"Here we are! Welcome to Gekkoukan High School! Hope you like it!" Yukari exclaimed.

I really could not fucking tolerate this bitch anymore.

"Welcome to the bottom of the lake. Hope you like it!" I said, thinking aloud of what I would say when I dropped her off in the center of the water with a cinderblock tied to her ankles.

"I'm pretty popular here," Yukari said, her head held high in pride.

"Is that a fucking joke, semen breath? You're an embarrassment to human kind, a waste of flesh, and you deserve to be pushed out of a plane," I snapped.

"-and you need to go to the faculty lounge before classes start."


End file.
